The Feedback Loop - How to Ask For What You Need to Grow

The reason you’re not getting useful feedback isn’t that nobody has anything to say. It’s that you’re not asking in a way that makes honesty possible.

In this episode of the Psych Leadership Podcast, host Luke UpChurch breaks down the psychology behind why most feedback requests fail — and how asking better questions changes everything about the quality of information you get back. Grounded in research on psychological safety, feedback-seeking behavior, and what actually drives professional growth, this episode gives you a practical five-principle framework for turning feedback from something that happens to you into something you actively architect.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why broad questions like ‘how am I doing?’ almost always produce useless answers — and the psychology behind why people default to comfortable over honest
• How psychological safety determines the quality of the feedback you receive — and how to create it in any conversation
• The difference between asking about impact vs. intent — and why it changes everything about what comes back
• A five-principle question framework for getting specific, honest, actionable feedback from the people around you
• Why closing the loop out loud is the move that turns a one-time feedback conversation into an ongoing developmental relationship

The quality of the feedback you receive is almost entirely a function of how you ask. And now you’ll know how to ask.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Hello, and welcome to the Psych Leadership Podcast, the show that helps you understand the psychology of growth, leadership, and making big moves in your life and career. As always, I'm your host, Luke Upchurch, and I wanted to thank you for taking the time to hang out with me. So today we're going to talk about the feedback loop. So this time of the year, a lot of companies are going through their mid-year reviews. And one of the questions that always comes up during those uh those mid-years is your company typically will solicit you to ask your colleagues for feedback. Well, when was the last time somebody gave you feedback that actually changed how you operate? I'm not talking about a performance review with a number attached to it, not a vague attaboy, good job, or something like that, but something real specific, some usable form of information that uh helps you to show up and and lets you know if if what you're doing is costing you something or truly changing the game, right? Well, for most people, the honest answer is it's been a while. Well, you've probably asked for feedback, but I can almost guarantee that you've done so in such a generic way that people just don't feel that they have the permission space to really respond with something that you can use. So today we're talking about that feedback loop, specifically how you can ask better questions so that you can get to more honest answers. Because the quality of the feedback that you receive is almost entirely determined by how you asked for that feedback in the first place. So, first off, why don't we start off with why our feedback requests tend to fail? So the the most common feedback requests in the professional world sounds something like this, right? We we say something to the effect of, hey, do you have any feedback for me? Or how do you think I'm doing? Um, in fact, shoot, my my leader now, he's he's actually really good about this. He asks me probably once every few months, just hey, is there anything that I could start, stop, or continue doing? Or is there anything that I could change in terms of my approach? That's still kind of generic. Uh, he gets points for asking, right? But the way that we ask changes how the answer comes about. So giving honest feedback, it's kind of a socially risky act. Research on psychological safety, and this is this is actually included in a lady named Amy Edmondson. It's her foundation and work that they did at Harvard. Um, the 2025 Harvard Business Review analysis also backs this concept, uh, but it shows that psychological safety increases feedback quality by approximately 40%. So without it, people just tell you what they want, what they think sounds good. They don't want to jeopardize their own career, so they're not going to give you honest feedback. And that's especially true if the leader is the one asking for the feedback on themselves, right? If your boss is asking you to give feedback on them, well, do you want to bite the hand that feeds? Do you want to, do you want to damage that relationship? Well, no, probably not, which is why you self-censor, right? You hedge a little bit, you give a version of the truth that feels safest for the relationship. And uh, and those broad open-ended questions like how am I doing, gives almost a signal that honesty is that it gives no signal that honesty is welcome, right? It's just the absence of that signal. So most people are going to default to their comfort zone. So I what I've seen is if you and your boss, for you know, to extend that example, if you and your boss have worked together for years and you've got an open, honest feedback setup, well, then maybe you're at a place that they can ask that and you understand each other well enough. The the easiest example I would give you is think about your best friend. I'm talking about somebody that you've known since, you know, middle school or high school, right? You've known this person for years, and they're gonna call you on your bull crap. Um, I've got a friend like that, you know, uh, shout out to Donnie, another one out there to Billy and and Chris as well. Um, but I can give, I can ask them that very vague, you know, just give it to me straight, right? And I know that because they don't have any vested interest, that there it's not going to impact our friendship. It's not going to impact either side's career. They're going to tell me that. With a boss, you kind of have to earn that. Yeah, you have to have gotten to that place. And and obviously it goes the, it goes not just, you know, you to your leader, but also you to a colleague. So the the problem there, it's a problem of precision. So again, vague questions are going to produce vague answers. And research on feedback-seeking behavior consistently shows that that specifically in the request is the strongest predictors of a useful response. So when someone asks you that broad question, what they have to do is work on figuring out what you actually know. And most people take the path of least resistance, giving you something that's safe in general. So when you ask that question about a specific situation, you remove the ambiguity. You tell them exactly where to look, and that changes everything about what we what we receive. Okay. So the feedback here, or the research rather, it supports this directly. Uh, there's this 2023 study in the Journal of Assessment and Evaluation in Higher Education, and it found that students who position themselves as active partners in the feedback process, coming in with very specific, prepared questions, they receive substantially more useful developmental feedback than those who passively waited on the evaluations. So the principle translates directly to our professional setting here, right? The quality of the information is a function of how precisely you ask for it. So, how do we close that, right? Well, back in episode 45, we talked about the perception gap. That's the space between how you see yourself and how the room actually experiences you. This episode is a practical tool that closes that, right? So we we touched on this a little bit in the perception gap. Now we're just going a layer deeper. So we talked about why that gap exists, why it cost you. Um, but when we talk about closing that perception gap, uh you have to understand that's not going to close on its own. You have to want that, you have to desire that, you can't think your way out of a blind spot by definition. You can't see what you don't have the ability to see. So the only way to access that information is through someone else, someone who's experiencing you in real time and willing to tell you what they actually observe. But that person is only going to tell you if you give them the permission space. And that's exactly what we what we need to do in terms of molding our questions. So now let's ground that in organizational reality a little bit. Organizations that implement structured feedback approaches receive significantly more honest and actual feedback than those that just rely on open-ended requested. So that structure, it isn't bureaucracy, it's a signal. So going back to the idea of, you know, employers doing their mid-year reviews, for example. I've had folks that, and for instance, if your company uses um any of those big mainstream services like workday or or something along those lines, sometimes HR will actually give you kind of a template that says, you know, we worked on this project at this time. Can you give me some sort of feedback? And a lot of people see that as, well, you're you're you're leading the witness, right? You're guiding them a little bit too much. So I've seen colleagues that will delete that out and they default to that generic answer or that generic question rather. Um the the structure that they put into place, that workday is putting into place here, or any company like that, any HR-based company uh or or software system, that structure isn't bureaucracy in any way. It's a signal that tells the other person that you, as the as the requester, have thought through this, you're serious about it, and it it lets them know that you're serious uh about being able to handle what they're going to say. Okay. So I'll give you an example from my personal life. I typically will ask my team, and and I I mentioned that my leader does this too. I ask the in the frames of what can I start, stop, and continue doing, but I like to specifically hone into an aspect of my leadership. So I might say, you know, with in regard to how I manage our day-to-day interactions, am I giving you too much freedom? Am I not giving you enough freedom? You know, just lay it out there. Um in when I was early in career, a lot of times I asked that feedback very generically, exactly as I'm I'm telling you not to do. And the the problem with that is, is because all you're given is fluff, you get this false sense of security. You think that you are walking on water, right? Nobody's told me I'm doing wrong. Therefore, I must be doing right. And the problem with that is, is, you know, eventually when somebody pulls back the veil and says, Well, here's what you really need to hear. Here's where you are falling short. And and hopefully they they tell you what you're doing well, right? They they tell you where you can uh dig in and and give more or do more of this good thing. Um, but man, that's a gut shot. And and I think a lot of folks have this happen to them, uh, especially as you're you're getting into that growth phase of your career. So for me, I had multiple leaders, and this is no fault to them. Like I said, I asked the wrong question, but I asked, what can I do better? Or, you know, what feedback do you have for me? And I wasn't specific. And so, of course, they gave me fluff answers, and I consistently got, you know, great reviews at the end of the year, uh, and and frankly, the the raises and the promotions to match it. So then when I finally got a leader that looked at what is it that I am achieving? What were my goals? How close did I accomplish those goals or or did I miss them? Right. When I finally got to that leader that gave me the objective feedback, and and when I finally reached the maturity that I was asking for the objective feedback, it it was, I guess it was good in terms of I had emotional maturity at that point that I could take it, right? Because if I was early in career, maybe I was too soft at that point, maybe the the raw feedback, I maybe I wasn't emotionally ready for it. Maybe it would have uh set me back a few steps because I I mentally couldn't handle it, right? Well, you know, you you progress a few years, you get a little bit more tenure under your belt. Now I can handle it, but I've also been conditioned for years thinking that I'm a rock star. And man, when somebody first time tells you, you know, yeah, you do well at these things, here's where you're missing the boat. And it's a gut check. So I will tell you, be ready for it, right? And and that's where uh I'm I'm gonna give you some tools for how you can honestly assess that. Okay. So let's let's talk about your question framework a little bit. How do you ask for that honest feedback? So I'm gonna give you five principles for asking questions that actually get you honest, useful, applicable answers. And and I will layer in here, you still have to take this with a grain of salt. I like to ask the same set of questions to multiple audiences. So if, and and uh we'll we'll come back to this later, but put a pin in that, ask the same question to multiple folks. Um, but let's keep on topic here. Five principles for asking questions that'll get you honest feedback. So the first one is anchor it to a specific situation. I don't want you to ask a general question, ask about a specific moment, meeting, project, interaction. So you might say something like, you know, in yesterday's meeting, uh, or you know, in this project, how was I received? How did uh did this land appropriately, right? It's a whole lot better than that broad answer. Okay, so anchor to a specific situation. Second thing I'm gonna ask you to do is ask about the impact, not the intent. So your intent is yours. The experience is the data. And the most useful feedback question to ask about is the effect of your behavior, not whether your behavior was good or bad, but what was the impact? So the question might be framed up as what was the impact of the way I opened the conversation? That's way more useful than saying, Did I handle that well? So again, what was the impact, not the intent? Question number three, or the the third principle, I should say, give explicit permission for the hard answers. So I want you to build this into the question itself. You might say something like, I'm not looking for reassurance, I'm looking for what would actually make me better. Or maybe you could say, if there's something you've noticed that you haven't said before because you weren't sure how it would land or how I would take it, this is the time. This kind of framing, it creates a brief window of psychological safety that most people will use if it's genuinely offered. So again, you have to back that up. We'll talk about that here in a minute, but you have to be able to back that up. Make sure that you've that you've got the uh the guts to handle what's coming at you. Okay. So the fourth principle, ask one question at a time. So a multi-part question is going to dilute the answer. The easiest explanation I can give you here is if you are giving instructions to, say, a five-year-old, you want them to do a series of chores. Psychological research tells us that we would give that to them one step at a time, because if I give them a five-step process, by the time you got to step five, they've already forgot what you said for steps one, two, and three. Right? We can typically only handle a little bit at a time. And especially if this is a new conversation, if you have never brokered this level of feedback with that individual, you want to step into it. You want to give them time to respond. So ask your question one at a time. Then I want you to shut up, let them think, let them process, and then they're gonna come back. Okay. Um, and that's when you layer in the next. So then the fifth principle is to close the loop out loud. I I said before that I want you to ask the question and shut up long enough for them to give you an answer. So after you receive that feedback, once once they say back, I want you to say back what you heard. Don't defend it, just confirm that you heard what they said. So you might say something to the effect of, you know, what I'm hearing is is that I tend to move past objections too quickly. Is that right? That confirmation just uh it does two things. It ensures that you understood them correctly, and it signals to the other person that you actually listened. Research on feedback receptivity shows that when people see their feedback genuinely received, they become significantly more willing to give it again. You're not just getting a piece of information, right? You're investing into the relationship. Now, the this is where a lot of people screw up, frankly. Okay. If I ask you a question, doesn't matter what the question is, if I ask you a question, we have now entered into a two-part, unspoken contract, right? I've asked you a question. Now I need to be prepared to receive that answer. Now, if you give me your answer, right? If if I say in yesterday's meeting, what was the impact of my opening statement? Right? I I've I I've followed all my principles there, given you a specific inf uh specific situation. I've asked about the impact. The uh I could follow that up. I I could say, you know, I'm looking, uh I'm really looking to get better at these presentations. So if you've been sugarcoating things, if you've been too kind in the past, I'm really asking you to take the gloves off here. What could I have done? Uh, what was the impact? What could I have done differently? Okay. And then you're going to be quiet. You're going to let them respond. And you're going to fight the urge to defend yourself. Because if I ask that question to you and you come back at me and now gloves are up and you're ready to throw down, right? You're pissed because you asked me a question and now I gave you exactly what you asked for, and now you're going to come at me. What do you think is going to happen the next time you ask? Right? You have burned that bridge. Next time you ask, I'm either going to sugarcoat it because I don't want to be yelled at, or I'm not really going to answer at all, right? If you really pissed me off, I'm just walking away. We're done. And in contrast, if you can not defend, simply acknowledge, and and I need you to practice this in your tone, right? Because just because you don't slam your fist down on the table and get in my face doesn't mean that you're not defensive about it. Right? I get a lot of folks that their body language is saying something completely different than the words coming out of their mouth, right? So, so for example, going back to that, I I said uh the the example sentence that I gave you was what I'm hearing is I tend to move past objections too quickly. So I want you to listen to the different tone here. Well, thank you. So what I'm hearing you say is that I tend to move past objections too quickly. Is that correct? Okay, that was very neutral. What if I say it like this? Okay, I got it. So what I'm hearing is that I tend to move past objections too quickly. Is that right? Notice the inflection of my voice, notice the tone. You can't see me on camera, but even when I was saying that out loud, right? I I sat a little closer to the mic, I I leaned forward, my my pupils probably dilated because I was frustrated, right? So if that is the reaction, again, you've burned that bridge. But if we go the first way, well, now you're open up to follow-up questions, not just today, but tomorrow and the next time, right? You have set the stage. Okay. So to close us out here, I want you to really think about feedback as a growth system. This isn't a one-time event. And and we need to kind of reframe this just a little bit, because most early in career professionals think about feedback as something that happens to them: a performance review, a check-in, a conversation that their manager initiates. I want you to walk away today with a different relationship entirely to the concept of feedback. Feedback in and of itself is neutral. It's something that you architect, you decide who to ask, you decide when to ask, you decide how specific the question is. You are in control of the quality and the frequency of developmental information you receive. And that is a profoundly different posture than waiting on somebody to tell you what they think. Research from Gartner actually tells us it found that four in five employees who report receiving meaningful feedback in the last week are fully engaged. The implication is significant. Meaningful feedback isn't just a nice professional experience, it's one of the most powerful drivers for engagement, growth, and performance that exists. And early in career professionals who don't have years of experience to draw upon, deliberately seeking high-quality feedback is one of the fastest ways to accelerate their development. People who grow the fastest aren't always the most talented. They're the ones who have built that system, that feedback system around themselves, who have cultivated relationships where honest information flows, who ask the right questions of the right people at the right time, and treat that P that information as a piece of detail that they can apply. Okay. So stop asking, How am I doing? Start with a specific question, specific behaviors, and specific impacts. Give explicit permission for the hard answers and ask one question at a time. Then close the loop out loud and then do it again, consistently with people in your life who can actually see you clearly. So I talked before about being careful about who you ask and kind of taking that with a grain of salt. So for me, I try to balance this out. I've got some people that I know always have rose-colored glasses when it comes to my performance or our friendship or something like that. And frankly, that's the ego boost. I I want to hear from them a little bit, if nothing else, just to make myself feel a little bit better. Okay. Maybe that's egotistical of me, but that's I found a lot of people lean into that. But don't stop there. I want you to also ask somebody that has nothing to gain, nothing to lose from giving you feedback. Right. So this isn't your direct boss necessarily. It's a colleague. Somebody that was in the room, they're not your friend, they're not your enemy. You just want to see how their perspective hit. And then you gotta be careful with the timing of this, but I also like to get the people that I know I've made uh that I've stepped on toes before. Right? The fact if if I have wronged you in the past or we've had a disconnect in the past, and now I'm coming to you saying I still respect your opinion. We don't always have to agree, but I respect your opinion. If nothing else, it gives you the other side of the spectrum. Okay. Again, it's all data, but feedback is neutral by nature. You're the one that decides how to apply it, when to apply it. All right. All right, folks, that's all I had today. Thanks for being here. Share this with somebody who's waiting for useful feedback and not getting it. I'll talk to you next time. Have a great day.