Stop Asking Permission

You already know the answer. So why are you still waiting for someone to tell you it’s okay to move?

In this episode of the Psych Leadership Podcast, I will be breaking down the organizational psychology behind one of the most career-limiting patterns in early professional life: permission-seeking. It’s not a confidence problem. It’s a deeply wired psychological response… and once you understand it, you can change it.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why smart, capable people get stuck waiting for direction — and the locus of control research that explains it
• How low ambiguity tolerance keeps early-career professionals frozen at exactly the wrong moment
• What self-efficacy research tells us about the real cost of waiting — and what it signals to the people above you
• The SWAG — the Sophisticated Wild-Ass Guess — and why it’s the most practical decision tool you’re not using
• A three-question framework for making a disciplined first move when the full picture isn’t available
• How to build an internal locus of control — and why mastery experiences are the only real path to lasting confidence

Whether you’re a recent graduate navigating your first professional role or an early-career professional who keeps waiting for the right moment to act — this episode gives you the psychology and the framework to stop waiting and start leading.

Completely ready isn’t a destination. It’s a feeling that only shows up after you’ve already done the thing.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Hello and welcome to the Psych Leadership Podcast, the show that helps you understand the psychology of growth, leadership, and making big moves in your life and career. As always, my name is Luke Upchurch, and I'm so happy that you took time out of your day to hang out with me. So today I just wanted to start off asking you a question that I want you to honestly answer this, to sit with this for a little bit, okay? So, how often do you check in with somebody before you make a move? At work, at school, not because you need their expertise, but because you want to know if it's okay, right? You're playing the Mother May I game. How often do you sit with a decision you already know the answer to? You're just waiting for the signal that never quite feels enough. How often do you have a good idea? And then almost immediately you start looking for the validation of somebody else before you act. If any of that landed with you, then this episode is for you. Because what you're experiencing isn't a knowledge gap, it's a psychological pattern. And research is both sobering and once you understand it, genuinely freeing. I see this a lot with my early in career intern positions, um, both with rise up academics, but even in the day job. Um and and some of it, and I need to make a distinction here. Some folks suffer from anxiety, general anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, so GAD or SAD. Um, I'm not really addressing that here. There are some coping skills that we'll talk about that may help you there. Um, but I want to call that out specifically because that's kind of a different thing. So if you're experiencing anxiety over and above the norm or the patterns that I'm gonna discuss today, I want you to consider talking to a psychologist, getting some support there. Okay, that's that's not what I'm here for. Um, so I don't want you to get this twisted. What I'm talking about is more the validation-seeking behavior that I see in a lot of early career folks, um, folks that just aren't willing to put themselves out there. And so today we're talking about why smart, capable people get stuck waiting on permission and how to replace that pattern with something that we're going to call a swag, a sophisticated wild ass guess. So stay with me, we'll we'll get there. So, first let's talk about the psychology of waiting. Why do we uh the the science behind why we are passive around this? Um, because I think it really reframes the whole conversation. So, back in 1966, there's this psychologist, Julian Rotter, and he introduces the concept to the psychology world of locus of control. And even today, this is one of the most researched concepts in organizational psychology. Locus of control refers to where a person believes the power over their outcomes actually lives. So people with an internal locus of control believe that, pardon me, believe that their actions actually drive the results. People with external locus of control believe that the outcomes are shaped by forces outside of themselves. So their boss, their environment, or other people's decisions. And typically everybody has kind of a Venn diagram approach to this, right? There's some that are a little of both, right? And then there's some decisions that are purely on one side or the other. Um, but how big each circle is, how much you believe that you control the world around you, um, that's that's where it can differ a little bit. So the meta-analysis published in the Journal of Organizational Behavior analyzed decades of research and found that internal locus of control is one of the strongest predictors of work motivation, initiative, and career performance. External locus of control, on the other hand, is consistently linked to passivity, compliance, and permission seeking. When you believe that the control lives outside of you, waiting for somebody to activate that feels like a logical step, but it doesn't stop there. Research from the OECD on ambiguity tolerance tells us that people who struggle with uncertainty, and most early in career professionals do, they experience a feeling of I don't know the right answer as a genuinely threatening proposal. Not uncomfortable. I said threatening. So the nervous system responds the same way it does to any perceived threat. It seeks safety. And in the professional context, safety looks like checking in, asking direction, waiting for clarity. And in most real world situations, that stuff was never going to arrive on its own. And then there's this concept of self-efficacy. So Albert, I believe his name is pronounced Bendura. Albert Bendura's foundation, um they contributed this to psychology by creating one of the most robust theories that we have. Self-av self-efficacy is the belief in your own ability to execute in a specific situation. And the research is pretty clear here. When career self-advocacy is low, people develop what researchers call negative career thoughts. These are patterns like I'm not sure, I'm not ready, what if I get it wrong? I should probably check first. Those thoughts left unchallenged become habits, and those habits become a ceiling. So again, I see this a lot in um, I actually see it a lot in in students or colleagues that were alive during COVID. Something about the fact that they moved to more of a work-at-home environment, more of a um, and and any of you that took college online, maybe you experienced some of this as well, where because your your boss or the perceived leader in the situation, the authority figure, was not there to ask questions, you had to read or watch a video and kind of piece the puzzle together yourself. And because you piece the puzzle together yourself, if you believe that you have a low locus of control, internal locus of control, if you also have low self-efficacy, then that's where that uncertainty comes in, right? You're constantly wanting to know, did I interpret this right? Did I if if I didn't do the first side of the equation correctly, how can I possibly believe that I can execute the latter part of the X of the equation, right? So, what is this pattern actually costing you? Well, permission-seeking behavior, like we talked about, it feels safe, right? It it feels collaborative. In some cultures, it even feels a little bit respectful to the people above you. But from the leadership perception, what it's actually communicating to me is something you probably don't intend. It tells me that you're not quite ready. And and that's not because you lack the skill, but if you're always asking me for permission, um it basically says that your willingness to own your own direction, um, that that picture isn't fully clear. Okay. The ability to make a reason call with incomplete information and move on and adjust as you go is what separates the people that get to go to the next opportunity from somebody that gets to watch you go to that next opportunity. A 2025 study published in The Frontiers of Psychology on Self-Efficacy and Career Maturity found that individuals with the higher self-efficacy demonstrate significantly greater career readiness. They show more exploration, more willingness to commit to a direction, and more adaptive behavior when things don't go as planned. Career maturity isn't just about knowledge, though, it's about posture. The way you carry yourself in uncertainty is something that people around you are reading, whether you realize it or not. Okay. So I'm going to give you an example of this. Um, I had several years ago, uh, I was working with uh working with a logistics team. Um they these guys had been unloading trucks at a local retailer for years. They had a a system that they believe worked because it was the system that somebody else had taught them. It wasn't that they sat down and thought about how am I unloading this truck, how are we sorting the product, et cetera, et cetera. Just something that was in a training manual when they got hired. And so it came down from corporate, it came down from the mountain on high, so to speak. And so they kind of followed it blindly. So I come in, I just inherited this team. I didn't hire a single one of these folks. Um, not to mention I'm the smallest guy, and I mean in physical stature, but also in height. Okay. I'm I'm like 5'10 if I've got good shoes. And most of these guys were six foot plus, looked like they ate rocks. I mean, they're they're all just huge. Um I it looked like uh looked like an elementary cool school kid trying to play football with you know the NFL. Um, so I I kind of had to come in and earn the respect, both from a physical stature, but you know, from the perspective of they've been doing this job almost as long as I've been alive. So who am I to tell them a different way to do it? So I started asking a lot of questions about, you know, why do we do it this way? Is there a reason that we approach it this way? And I'm talking again about how we sort the product. Because if you don't know, when a truck is delivered to a store like Target or Meyer or any of those places, um, things aren't thrown in in a logical order. Uh they're stacked in that truck like a giant game of Tetris. Whatever fits in that space is what goes in that space. Um the really the only separation at all might be that uh dry goods and chemicals are always kept separate. So, you know, things like that. They they they separate that stuff out. Um, but for the most part, things are thrown in that truck in any way that they can fit, uh, agnostic of what might make sense to in terms of how you unload it. So, in any case, I I asked a lot of questions and I start slowly implementing changes. Just, hey, could we try it this way? I didn't go back to my boss and say, hey, I'm thinking of completely turning upside down the way that we unload trucks. I started asking questions. I got validation from that team around making sure that I was interpreting things correctly, but I didn't seek the permission to make the changes. I asked the questions up front around the data that I was gathering to ultimately make that decision. And there was also some strategy in how I, you know, because I was brand new to the team and so on, how I incorporated that. Because if if you're Joe New Guy or Joe New Guy, Jane Newgal on a team, you come in and try and change everything, you're just gonna piss everybody off, right? You're not making any friends in that situation. So I really had to be tactical in how I um or strategic rather in how I deployed those changes. But in any case, I I slowly but surely start incorporating these things, gaining the buy-in of the team. They, you know, I kind of like the movie Inception, you implant the idea so deep that they believe it's their idea, and you don't necessarily care who gets credit for the minor ideas. Um, you just want a better product. You just want a better outcome. And so one day the boss comes in, says, you know, you guys are unloading trucks 10, 15% faster. Uh the team is more uh, you know, more energetic and so on. Well, a lot of the changes that we made were small, but it was such that the team felt that they had a play in it, that uh that that they were a part of that new new paradigm. Um and we actually made some changes that helped them to exert less energy, which meant that they were less tired, less exhausted when they got done with the day, etc. So it all worked out. Um, but in any case, I didn't I didn't go and ask my boss, hey, can I turn your entire logistics process on its head? I didn't come in and say, I know that I don't know anything about this, but I think you guys are doing it all wrong. Right? I didn't approach it like that. Um, but I also didn't specifically say, hey, am I allowed to tweak this or adjust that? I just, you know, worked with the team and decided when it was time, based on the collective needs of that team, when we should adjust. And and frankly, not everything that I tried worked. There were days that we would try, you know, unloading it this way or that way, or or change the way that we were sorting the product as it came off. Um, we we tried a few different methods there, and sometimes they straight up didn't work. Um, but but I continue to press through. Um, I continued to explore and adapt ultimately. And that's what we're talking about here. So that kind of takes us into the swag, the sophisticated wild ass guess. So this is where I want you to replace that initial pattern. Uh this is something that uh it's kind of funny. Uh, when I first heard the term, I thought it was an IT term because that's where it came up in my career with an IT group of folks. And and I spent a few weeks thinking that I was just too dumb to know exactly what it meant and too prideful to look it up. When I finally, I finally played the new guy card, and I'm like, guys, we've been talking about this swag concept for weeks. Can somebody dumb this down for me and tell me what it means? And the guy, the guy that was using the term just starts laughing. And he goes, It's nothing, it's nothing that you're going to find in a textbook. Because I told him that I tried to look it up. He goes, it's not something you're going to find in a textbook. It's just a sophisticated wild ass guess. And and and where he clarified here, and where I need you to understand, a swag is not reckless. It's not guessing blindly and hoping for the best. It's a disciplined first move, making the best decision with the available information, a clear intention to learn from the outcome, and the professional confidence to own it. It's the explicit rejection of the idea that you need certainty to move on. Because in most real professional situations, certainty just isn't available. Okay. And waiting on it isn't cautious. It becomes stagnation. The research backs this, by the way. Um there's there's a uh there's a gentleman by the name of Mark, and dude, I'm gonna mess up this last name. Um uh Savakis, I believe is how it's pronounced. Mark Savakis. Um he talks about this career construction theory, and it's one of the most influential frameworks that we see in career psychology. It identifies career adaptability as the critical psychological resource that determines how people will navigate uncertainty. Adaptability is built on three pillars control. This is the belief that you can influence your own situation, curiosity, the willingness to explore what's possible, and confidence, the capability to take your action, to take that action despite incomplete information. A swag is technically it's a career adaptability in practice, right? It's it's taking Marx theory here and and putting it into uh layman terms, if you will. So here's how to build this concept. It's three questions. So the first one, what do I actually know right now? Not what's missing, but what do I have? Most of the time, people under under underestimate how much they actually know. So inventory your information before you decide uh before you decide that you actually need more. Second question for you What's the most reasonable first move given what I know? Not the perfect move, the reasonable move. The one that generates momentum and more critically, generates data, even if the data is about what doesn't work. And then three, what's my adjustment trigger? So how will I know when to pivot, when to course correct? A swag is not a commitment to being right, it's a commitment to moving and learning, defining what what that pivot looks like before you start, so you're not scrambling to define that mid-execution. That's it. What do I know? What's my best first move? What is my adjustment trigger? The answer to those three questions, and if you can answer those rather, you have a swag. You have enough to move forward. And we need to understand here that constraints are not the enemy. Uh so that that's kind of another dimension of this. Um, and it's the piece that a lot of people miss. One of the most common reasons that people are going to wait for permission is that they're waiting for the right conditions. More resources, more information, more support, better timing, right? And the research on creative problem solving tells us that resource constraints don't just force creative thinking, they actually fuel it. Okay. Um, so think about this. When NASA trains astronauts, there's a uh a common thing that they'll do, and you've probably seen this on TV, where they they give the astronauts this this big bag of supplies, and it's random, random crap that you may find in an aircraft, for example, in a space shuttle. And they say, here's the problem, use this stuff, this random collection of crap, to solve it, to create a device that solves your problem. Okay. So that sparks creativity. That's why they do this. Uh, that's why NASA has used this for years. That's why you have done this in just about every leadership development course that you've ever taken. Uh, I see colleges use this a lot, high schools use this. In some cases, I've even seen this in um employee onboarding. Okay. So when someone tells you that it can't be done, the useful question isn't about are they right? The useful question is what frame are they using? Because most of the time it can be, it can't be done, really means it can't be done the way we're doing it. That's a different statement altogether. And the space between those two things, between what can be done and and what is possible, becomes the swag. Okay. So now let's let's pivot a little bit ourselves and talk about building an internal locus of control. So we're going to bring this home by talking practically how do you shift from that external to an internal mindset, from a permission-seeking behavior to a decision-making behavior. The first step is catching the ask before it leaves your mouth. The next time you feel the urge to check in before moving forward, pause and ask yourself one honest question. Do I actually need input here or am I looking for reassurance? Collaboration is healthy, folks. Reassurance is a pattern. Learning to tell the difference in real time is one of the most valuable things that you can develop early in your career. And frankly, I'd even extend this beyond your career. You know, I have a teenage son that, you know, he's one of those post COVID kids that does this exact same thing. He'll ask you, you know, is it okay if I do whatever this logical thing is in the situation? Right? Like he's he's got those invisalign braces, and and after. He eats, he's always supposed to brush his teeth. He knows he's supposed to brush his teeth, but he will stop and say, Hey, is it okay if I go brush my teeth? Uh yeah, that's not only is it okay, it's it's almost required, right? So um, so I really want you to just think through that, um, making sure that you can catch that question before it even comes out of your mouth. And again, ask yourself, am I looking for input or am I looking for reassurance? The second reframing, uh the second thing that we're going to reframe is what failure means. So Bandura's research on self-efficacy is unambiguous. The single most powerful way to build belief in your own capacity is through mastering mastery experiences, actually doing things and learning from them, not watching, not preparing, doing. A swag that doesn't work perfectly is still a mastery experience. It still builds the muscle. And people who take 10 swags and adjust five of them have learned more growth and grow more than the person who waited on perfection and never moved at all. The third thing is building a deliberate track record for yourself. Keep a running account of calls that you've made, problems that you've solved, and times that you've moved without being told. That internal evidence is what recalibrates that self-efficacy in your brain over time. It's the data your brain needs to stop treating uncertainty as a threat and start treating it as the environment that you work in. So, folks, here's what I want you to walk away with today. The pattern seeking or permission seeking pattern, this isn't a character flaw, folks. It's a psychological response to uncertainty. It's shaped by your locus of control, ambiguity tolerance, and self-efficacy. All of those things are things that you can build. This is a skill, this is a muscle you can flex, and all of which can change and grow over time. But they only change if you decide to move before you feel completely ready. Because completely ready isn't a destination. It's a feeling that only shows up after you've done the thing. You don't need all the answers. You need a direction, a reasonable first move, and the clarity to know when you need to adjust. So take your swag. I want you to own it, learn from it, and then take another one. Because in the real world, the person that moves and learns will always outpace the person that waits for a certainty that is never coming. All right, folks, that's all I have for you today. Thanks for listening. Again, if you hear something here that you like or that you think somebody else will benefit from, please share it. And think about donating to the show. It costs about$20 a month for me to produce these, just in terms of the uh uh the fees to broadcast these across all the different platforms. So even a small donation goes a long way, folks. Hope you have a great day and we'll talk again soon. Bye-bye.