Boundaries That Build Respect

What if setting limits at work wasn’t about protecting yourself, but about making yourself a better, more sustainable leader? In this episode of the Psych Leadership Podcast, we unpack the psychology behind why high-achieving, motivated professionals struggle to draw professional boundaries, and more importantly, how to rewire that pattern.

Host and organizational psychology expert Dr. [Host Name] breaks down the science of social exchange theory, the fawn response in professional settings, and what the latest research says about how the standards you set for yourself become the standards others operate by.

You’ll also walk away with the RICE Framework ©,  a practical four-part decision tool for knowing when to keep giving and when it’s time to have the conversation:

• R — Reciprocity: Is there a return on your contribution?
• I — Investment vs. Drain: Is this building you or depleting you?
• C — Consistency of the Ask: Is this a moment or a pattern?
• E — Explicitness of the Expectation: Was this asked of you, or did it just land on your plate?

This episode is essential listening for early-career professionals, recent college graduates, and anyone navigating the gap between showing initiative and being taken advantage of. If you’ve ever felt guilty for thinking about saying no at work,  this one is for you.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Hello and welcome to the Psych Leadership Podcast, the show that helps you understand the psychology of growth, leadership, and making big moves in your life and career. As always, my name's Luke Upchurch, and I'm happy that you took time out of your day to hang out with me. So today, I want to start with a question, and I want you to sit there and honestly assess before we dive in. Have you ever found yourself doing significantly more work than your role requires? Staying late, taking on extra projects, picking up the slack that wasn't yours to pick up, and then being led to feel guilty about the idea of saying something. Like maybe you tell yourself, well, this is just what growth looks like, or I don't want to rock the boat, or even, well, what if they think I'm not a team player? If you've been there, that's not a willpower problem. That's not a confidence problem either. It's a psychological pattern. And once you understand that, you can do something about it. And so today we're going to talk about setting boundaries that build respect. And more importantly, we're going to give you the framework that you can actually use real world to know when to keep giving and when to draw the line. So if you were with our if you listened last week, we talked about the idea of leading without the title. And I talked in there about being proactive, about taking initiative, right? You see a problem, don't just walk to your boss's desk and drop that on their desk. Hey, boss, this thing is broken. But rather come in with some sort of, you know, it's broken, and here's my recommendation for a resolution. Right. I've thought through this. I've pulled the team together. We've got some recommendations, et cetera, et cetera. That's initiative and that's important. Um, there's we also need to make sure that we're not of the mindset, and I see this so much with some of the younger generations. Um, and and I say younger generations, but frankly, I've even seen it with um folks that uh dare I say less educated folks kind of have this mindset of I'm hired to do a job, right? I'm hired to press this button. Don't ask me to press this button and move this box. Oh no, that requires extra money, right? They they want that title, they want that dollar amount, uh, more zeros on their paycheck because you've asked them to do more. Now, again, there's a fine line, right? Initiative is great. Doing a little bit extra is great. And I would encourage you to do that. That's how you progress in your career. That's how I've progressed in mine. But there has to be a line, right? We have to be able to set limits. So when I talk about setting limits, the first thing that we need to understand is the psychology behind this. Because I think one of the most disempowering things we can do is tell somebody to just set better boundaries without explaining why it's hard in the first place. The reason it's hard isn't a weakness, it's actually the result of some very deeply wired human behavior. So, research, uh, researchers studying what's called social exchange theory found that humans are wired to seek balance in relationships. When we feel like we owe someone, an organization, a manager, a team, we tend to keep giving until we feel like the ledger is even. So the problem is in a professional setting that ledger rarely feels even when you're early in career, especially. You're new, right? You don't have a track record. So you keep contributing, hoping that at some point the scales are going to tip in your favor. Now, layer that on top of something that we called fawn response, which is one of the lesser talked about stress responses, right in the same path as fight, flight, or freeze. Research in organizational psychology shows that when people feel threatened, even subtly, they feel in like feeling insecure in a new role, some will default to appeasement behavior, overhelping, over-accommodating, difficulty to say no, because we want not because we want to be taken advantage of, but because we but because our nervous system has learned to keep people happy means keeping us safe. So a 2025 study published in Stress and Health confirmed that employees working under excessive performance often internalize the imbalance rather than naming it. A 2025 study published in Stress and Health confirmed that employees working under excessive pressure often internalize the imbalance rather than naming it, which leads to what researchers call role overload. So where the scope of what you're expected to do quietly expands far beyond what's reasonable without anybody formally acknowledging it. So the key insight is the reason boundaries feel dangerous isn't because they're dangerous, it's because it's part of your brain that's been conditioned to treat saying no as a threat to your belonging. And you want to rewire that. No amount of advice or just speaking up is going to stick. So why don't we talk about how do we rewire that, right? How do we shift that mindset? The first step in shifting the story is to tell yourself what your boundaries actually are. So most people frame a boundary as subtraction, as taking something away. Saying no to extra work feels like saying no to an opportunity, to likability, to belonging. We've talked a lot about self-determination theory. And this study, and if you haven't heard that, I'm not going to rehash it here. Uh, the high-level self-determination theories, uh, I use the ABCs here. So it's autonomy, it's belonging, it's competence. Uh again, if you haven't heard this one before, go back and listen to my other podcast. I've talked about this many, many times. Um, but studies on self-determination theory uh talk about what actually drives long-term motivation and engagement at work. It's it's telling us something a bit different here. It's people that perform their best contribute the most sustainability when they have a sense of autonomy, when they feel like they're given, uh, when they feel like they're choosing to give rather than being expected to give indefinitely. I also want you to reframe boundary isn't a wall, it's a value. It controls the flow. And a professional who manages their energy deliberately is far more valuable over time than one that pours everything out into one single shift. Okay. So when we talk about that, that boundary specifically or or burnout, um, I guess a marathon runner is probably the easiest analogy I would use. Um if if I put 110%, if I put everything I've got into the first leg of the race, I have nothing to give later, right? If your energy is a finite resource, if I use it all at home, or rather at the office, I have nothing left at home. I have nothing left for me. All I am then is an empty shell. My family just gets the leftovers. And and in that case, if I'm putting my family first, maybe there isn't enough for me. Maybe there isn't enough for me to ever feel like I'm I'm able to turn it off and just be who I am and and dive into my hobbies or or what gives me value. Okay. Um, we'll get into more of that later, but again, boundary is not a wall, it's a value. The second part about rewiring is understanding that boundaries, when communicated with confidence and professionalism, they don't reduce respect, they actually generate it. So there's this 2025 review of a workplace norms and incivility. It was published in Management Review Quarterly. It found that the standards individuals set for how they are treated become the floor of how their environment treats them. You teach people how to engage with you. Every time you absorb something without naming it, you reinforce the current dynamic as something that's acceptable. Every time you name it clearly and professionally, you shift that norm. I actually just read this study in the APA. This came out just this week. Uh, the American Psychological Association, um, I'm I'm a proud member of the APA, and they send out these journals. And it was very fortuitous that this week, when I opened up the journal, um, the very first article in it was talking about the concept of role overload. Um, it's it's perceiving that you have too much, uh, too much to do and too little time. And then there's this concept of impostor thoughts. You've heard of this imposture syndrome, et cetera. The belief that others think you're more capable than you are. So my colleagues are overestimating my abilities. That's imposture thoughts or imposture syndrome. The central finding in this study is that impostor thoughts can act as a motivator that flips the relationship between overload and effort. So if I have high imposture thoughts and high overload, I tend to put in more effort, therefore better performance. So the these employees see overload as a challenge worth conquering because successfully uh achieving those helps them preserve the positive reputation that they don't think that they deserve in the first place. Right. So it's they they feel my colleagues overestimate my ability. So I'm gonna take this work overload and just crush it, right? I'm gonna show them that their faith in me is not unfounded, that I actually deserve what they're giving me. Now, and in contrast, though, if I have low imposter thoughts, if I believe that I am capable of the role that I'm in, now that same work overload produces less effort and worse performance. Because these employees, they're not seeing the gain, they're not seeing the value, so it just feels burdensome. It leads to burnout. Okay. So I I just I thought that was really interesting in terms of where we draw the line. And and I guess the moral of that that story there or that that research is that it isn't a one size fits all. You have to understand where you fit in that dynamic. And is that is when we talk about creating balance, is your perception of where you are, uh, your imposture thoughts, so to speak, um, does that does that produce more or less value for you? So here's a way that you can kind of reframe this. Um and and I'm gonna encourage you to write this down. Grab a piece of paper, pause the episode for a minute, and and write this down. Maybe even bookmark the podcast if that's where you're listening to it. So knowing when to give more versus when to draw the line um isn't about how tired you are in the moment. It's about evaluating four different things. And this is a framework I call rice. Um, by the way, this isn't something I pulled out of research. I know uh a lot of my podcasts are pretty research heavy. I try to pull that in so you know it's just not crap I'm making up. Um, this one it is based off research, but the concept is something, um, something that I'm introducing here for the first time. So I'm gonna call this the RICE framework. Uh, and this is an acronym, um, but R is for reciprocity. Is there a return? Not necessarily financial. It can be uh it can be visibility, development, mentorship, access to an opportunity, but something that should be flowing back to you. If you're consistently giving more and not getting anything back in return, that's a signal. Giving more when reciprocity exists is fine, uh, drawing the line when it doesn't. Okay. So that's question one. Is there a return? Is there reciprocity? The I is investment versus drain. So I want you to ask yourself honestly, does this feel like it's building something for me or just consuming me? Growth is supposed to stretch you, but stretching feels different from depletion. So stretch is uncomfortable, but it's energizing, right? Think about if you haven't just lied down on the floor and stretched out your back. First time that you've done that in a while, it might even hurt a little bit, but ultimately it feels good, right? There's a reason that yoga has gotten so popular. If we stretch our joints and our limbs, we tend to get energy from that, even if initially it might feel a little uncomfortable. Drain is uncomfortable and hollowing, though. And research on occupational burnout consistently shows that there's a tipping point, and it isn't about the volume of work, it's the perception that the effort isn't leading to anywhere meaningful. So, investment versus drain. The C is consistency of the ask. So is this a moment or has it become a pattern? Every organization has crunch times, right? There's going to be a time that your boss comes to you on Friday, 30 minutes before the end of the day, and says, Hey, I need a thing and I really need it done today. Okay, that's going to happen. And and in the moment we can accept that. Now, if every Friday that becomes a pattern, if your boss doesn't realize that you live in two completely different time zones, or that you have a life outside of the office, that's where you have to start drawing the line. So, you know, I mean again, every team is going to have those seasons of intensity, and that's normal. The concern is where above and beyond stops being exceptional and becomes the permanent baseline with no conversation about what it means for your role, title, or conversations. Patterns deserve compensations. Moments usually don't. So again, if it's uh if I'm being asked to do this every single Friday afternoon, or, you know, hey, can you take on this extra work that is only yours because I didn't hold your colleague accountable? Well, you might need to start having some other conversations. The E is for explicitness of the expectation. So was this clearly asked of you, or did this just land on your lap? There's a difference between a manager saying, I'd like you to take this on, and here's what we're thinking in terms of support, versus we're quietly migrating to you because you're the person who always says yes. The first is professional exchange, the second is scope creep, and scope creep doesn't fix itself unless you name it. You have to call that out. So I want you to run the rice check. If you're hitting green on most of those, give more. Lean in. The growth is real, right? You're getting that reciprocity, it's an investment, it's not consistent, or if it is, then there's a roll expansion, there's a little bit more money on the table, right? There's a big difference. So if two or more things are showing as red, it's time to have a conversation. That's not a complaint. That's just you being real. It's a conversation, and and as long as you handle it professionally, that's a big difference. So now let's dive into that a little bit. Let's talk about that conversation and how that actually might sound. And this is where a lot of us get hung up because there's this fear of the conversation. Um, it's often bigger than the conversation itself. So the goal here isn't about pushing back, it's about creating clarity. A lot of times, frankly, as a leader, I've been in the situation where I've asked more of my team and I didn't necessarily think about it from their perspective or from their perception. So I wasn't just trying to pass the buck. Um, it was kind of a subconscious, uh, an unconscious thing. And until they raised their hand and brought it up, uh, to be candid, I would have probably kept doing it because I didn't know that it was a problem. And I wasn't mature in my own leadership style at that point. So start from a place of contribution. You're engaged, you care, you want to keep delivering. Then name what you're observing about your scope and why what uh and ask what a sustainable path forward looks like. So it might look something like this: you know, hey, so-and-so, uh, can I talk to you for a minute? Uh, I'm I'm glad to help take on X, Y, and Z. I want to make sure that I'm continuing to do this well. Can we talk about what this looks like long term? So, research on psychological safety from a 2025 study in the Journal of Applied Psychology found that inclusive leaders welcome this kind of voice. They see it as a sign of investment, not resistance. So they see it as I want to be a part of the team, but I also want to continue contributing at a high level, right? Um, now there's uh there's another side to this coin. If your organization responds to your professional self-advocacy with frustration or dismissal, that response is probably telling you that this isn't maybe the culture that you want to be a part of. That response is telling you something important about um their culture that no interviewing, no onboarding process could have revealed. So for me, um, if I raise my hand and say I've been consistently giving more, and I just like to find a balance in that. I I, you know, I'm willing to do more, but I also need something to come off my plate, or I need we need to reevaluate the you know, the income or something along those lines. Um when I've had folks that push back, for me, that's an immediate red flag. I've got to start looking. I better polish up my resume because this isn't sustainable. Um, so the conversation isn't just about getting a fair deal here, it's really a diagnostic check. It tells you whether you're in the place that you deserve to be in, a place that deserves your best. Um, you know, you've probably seen this analogy online, but every time I see it, it sticks with me. I can go to the gas station and buy a simple bottle of water, right? Name the brand. I can buy a simple bottle of water and it's a couple bucks. Now I go to a stadium and now it's much more expensive. I go to a concert, even more expensive than that, right? Sometimes it isn't about uh your value is a function of your location. So if you're finding that you are not valued where you're at, then maybe it's time to have a different conversation. Typically, if you're in the right place, your leader will look at that and they'll, you know, essentially say kind of the same thing I told you a minute ago. When my team came to me and said that I was doing this, it wasn't that I was intentionally trying to dump on them, it's that I wasn't really thinking about it from that perspective. And so, yeah, we re-evaluated, um, taking some things off their plate. We looked at what they were doing that maybe didn't have as much value for them or for us, and we balanced out the scale. Um, in some cases, we've had to look at role expansions, and that's okay too. Okay. So here's what I want to leave you with. The reason that you struggle to set limits isn't because you're weak, it's because you're human and your brain has learned some patterns that make sense uh to at a point, and and recognizing this is the first chance, uh, the first step and changing it. I want you to use that rice framework. Reciprocity, investment versus drain, consistency of the ask, and explicitness of the expectation. Run that framework honestly, let it guide you, give generously when it makes sense, and have the conversation when it doesn't. Because Boundaries Done Right isn't about protecting yourself at work, it's about protecting your ability to do great work over the long haul, at a high level, in a way that you can be proud of, right? And professionals are going to figure out this early. They're the ones who who end up being in the game the longest. All right, folks, thanks for being here. Share this with somebody that needs it, and until next time, have a great day.